Honesty truly is the best policy. Always.
I think of lies like poison. A small drop of poison in a big glass of water still makes the water poison. Ultimately, people can sense dishonesty. If you tell little lies, it shows. There ends up being an underlying sense of distrust which simply ends up poisoning the relationship.
Withholding information can be a form of lying as well. Generally speaking the whole truth is the only truth. Being completely honest need not be confused with too much information. It is perfectly acceptable to say, “I don’t feel comfortable sharing that.” or “I prefer not to answer that question just yet.” It can be tricky to determine the difference between avoiding too much information and withholding information. I believe the key is to let her know you have information to share and let her know it is accessible. Allow her to decide if she wants to know more.
I’ve been with lovers who tell me, “I know you have other lovers, but I don’t want to hear about it.” I respect their wishes and keep my stories to myself. I’ve had other lovers who want to know everything, and I divulge it all. I’ve had girlfriends who love to hear about me being with other women. The honest communication creates an open space to connect and sex stories have the power to turn everybody on.
I generally like to let a woman know right away where I am at. At different points in my life my needs have changed, and I do my best to be forthright with my needs as I become aware of them.
At the time of writing this chapter, I tend to open things up by explaining that I have spent much of my life in monogamous or mostly monogamous relationships and that I am not in that space now. I explain that I am not really in to one night stands, and that I prefer to build enduring relationships with people I really care about. I also explain that I love to cuddle and I love to fuck. I explain that I am never willing to trade a friendship for a night of sex, that I have no problem getting laid, and that as much as I would love to fuck tonight, it is important to me that we establish loving mutual respect for a healthy long term friendship. I explain that I can’t promise that I will want to be sexually involved with any individual for any predetermined period of time. I promise honesty. I also explain that I feel it would be unfair to request the woman to be only with me, as I am not promising to be only with her. I say of course I expect her to be smart, clean, and careful. I also tend to mention that if we hook up and then stop hooking up, we will continue to be friends, because we are friends in the first place and friends don’t just drop each other because of a shift in intimacy patterns.
If you find yourself in a so called monogamous relationship, don’t cheat. If you feel the urge to hook up with someone else, change your agreements with your partner. Cheating sucks for everyone involved, and is generally the worst for the cheater. If for some reason you find yourself cheating, come clean as soon as possible. Apologize for seriously fucking up. Don’t make excuses. Simply own up to the fact that you pulled one of the biggest dick moves possible, apologize sincerely, and create the space for everyone to move forward free of the tangled web of deceit you wove.
Honesty builds integrity. A beautiful woman told me the other day, “Integrity equals power. A man who moves and speaks from his truth is sexy.”
It is amazing the crazy shit I get away with doing on a daily basis. I owe most of the good times I have to the fact that I am honest.