Primer on Fucks

People talk about the importance of giving zero fucks.  I generally agree.

I give no fucks if a barista is rude, if the grocery store is out of bananas, if my favorite pants rip, or if the concert I’d like to attend sold out.  You can talk to my girlfriend all she wants, vote for whoever’s BS story you believe, and marry whoever you love.  I give zero fucks.

Fuck with my daughter and I may kill you.  That’s right, there are things I give a fuck about.  I care about my family, my partner, my business, our community, and our planet.

It is said that like fine wine, people mellow with age.  I believe this is because we gain clarity on our fuck budget.

Fuck Budget:

I always like to keep three fucks on me at all times.  I need at least one fuck on hand in case the opportunity arrises to fuck and I need one to give.  Of course threesomes are awesome, so I need two fucks in case I want to use them both at once.  Now suppose I am in the middle of a threesome and a fire breaks out, I need to have a fuck to give about the fire so I can save my own life and get those other two fucks back.  See, three fucks.

Basically a fuck budget boils down to the question of what is really important.  I give a fuck about my business, though not as much as I give a fuck about my family.  I give a fuck about my community but, you know my girlfriend gets all my fucks and the dipshit at the carwash gets none.  I care about my motorcycle, but not nearly as much as I care about my foot.  It is much easier to replace a motorcycle than a foot.

A fuck budget is really a system of priorities.  We only have so much energy to expend on caring about anything.  The more we get clear about what is important to us, the cooler we remain about everything else.  There is no sense getting all worked up about some trivial bullshit.  Focus on what is important and allow the rest to simply roll by.

Caring about nothing at all is apathy, which is not cool.  When we think of someone really cool, like James Bond, Fonzie, or Snoopy, we consider them as giving no fucks.  Ultimately though, what makes them cool is that they only care about what is truly important.

Next time you are freaking out because someone offered to buy your date a drink, remember your fuck budget and be grateful your date is hot and you just saved $10.  What’s meant to be will be.  If your date is going to spend quality time with you, it doesn’t matter what anyone else says or does.  If Starbucks is out of Pumpkin Spice Latte, your life will go on.  If you see some creep attacking your best friend, punch the creep in the throat.   Give no fucks about anything unless it is important.  No fucks about the creep, all fucks for the best friend.  No fucks about the status quo, all fucks about your family.  No fucks about your wife’s friends dogs sweater, all fucks about your wife’s health and happiness.

I often say, “A man has two things, his word and his balls.  I break neither for anybody.”

Remembering your fuck budget will keep you cool, calm, and collected.  I was on a job building a stage and went to pick up the materials from the supply yard on site.  They told me, “sorry, we won’t be able to get the lumber you ordered in time.”  I could have freaked out.  Instead I told them, “Cool.  Let me know when you are able to do your job so I can do mine.  In the mean time I am going to the beach.  If the boss comes by, let them know what the hold up is.”  They found the lumber immediately.  If I would have freaked out, it would have just pissed people off.  I communicated my needs, was clear that I did my job and it was their turn to do theirs, and I was fine to leave it up to some higher power to sort out the details.  Zero fucks given and it worked out beautifully.

Every time a fuck is not thrown away, the world is that much more peaceful.  There is no need to argue over which way to mount a TP roll.  Simply accept the diversity of life and all the joy that comes with it.  Embrace your true self.  Express yourself without worrying what people will think.  Accept others for who they are and the decisions they make.  Call your mom.  Forgive.  Remember what is truly important and let everything else go.

No fucks given is just another way of saying, “Don’t sweat the small stuff.”  “Do you boo boo.” “Live your mutha fuckin’ life.” …and a whole host of other great wise sayings.

Next time you find yourself getting worked up about anything, take a deep breath and remember your fuck budget…

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2 thoughts on “Primer on Fucks

  1. Pingback: Motorcycles and Mortality | good man guide book

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